No Plan, Stan.

One of the scariest things about a huge life change is suddenly not knowing what the "plan" is.

I've been racking my brain trying to work out why it feels so much harder than I think it should. This afternoon after a weekend full of life, love and adventure, it hit me...

It's harder because I've always had a plan and always had a safety net.

When I left school, I knew I was going to Teacher's College. When I left Teacher's College, I knew I would teach. When I left my first job, I knew I was getting married and would be living in the UK. When I was in the UK, we had the security of being married and having a plan. When we moved here, we had a plan. 

You'll see the use of "we", it's always easier to be in an uncertain time when you're a "we" there's someone else. There's someone who knows, who understands and feels a similar range of emotions.

After a separation, there is no longer a "we", there is an "I". A lonely, single mind and heart having to plan a new future.  Having to find a new plan. 

This is the first time, I've had to do it alone. To do it with support and love from friends and family but, ultimately, alone. It's fucking scary. But it's something I should have had to do earlier in my life, that way I would know I can do it.

But at least, now, I know that when the "next time" the wheels fall off comes around, I will be able to cope. Because I've had to make it all up and do it alone. And *touch wood* it seems to be working.