I have learnt so much, thought so much and loved all of it.
Then I realised that I haven't been following my promise to myself that this would be a place where I am honest with myself. This blog started as a way of forcing myself to be honest about how I was, who I was and why I was... I shared my ramblings in order to heal.
And I did.
But this month, I haven't been honest. I have been covering things up and I don't want to anymore. I need to be honest again so that I can help myself heal in the way I know works...
Which of course means if you are related to me I will issue the usual warning "Shit's gonna get real down in here."
I'll start simple.
Three weeks ago Captain Awesome left me. Things haven't been perfect between us, but just as I thought things were improving (honestly I did), he decided that it was time to cut his losses and leave. It was a shock. I am still in shock. Sometimes I find it hard to breathe, think or even talk. Sometimes it's all ok. But mostly I am so sad for Monkey. I am a child of divorce and I vowed I would break the cycle. I would choose right, I would make it work, I would ensure my child(ren) would have a nuclear family. But that didn't take into account the free will of another person. I am gutted that I have lost my best friend of 20 years and my husband of nearly 11. I am hurt, angry, sad and scared. But I still hope, laugh and dream.
In a week, Monkey and I will be travelling to see my mum and will be away for six weeks. It's going to be a time to think, reconnect and plan. I will be blogging sporadically and will hopefully schedule some reposts.
LJx
Three weeks ago Captain Awesome left me. Things haven't been perfect between us, but just as I thought things were improving (honestly I did), he decided that it was time to cut his losses and leave. It was a shock. I am still in shock. Sometimes I find it hard to breathe, think or even talk. Sometimes it's all ok. But mostly I am so sad for Monkey. I am a child of divorce and I vowed I would break the cycle. I would choose right, I would make it work, I would ensure my child(ren) would have a nuclear family. But that didn't take into account the free will of another person. I am gutted that I have lost my best friend of 20 years and my husband of nearly 11. I am hurt, angry, sad and scared. But I still hope, laugh and dream.
In a week, Monkey and I will be travelling to see my mum and will be away for six weeks. It's going to be a time to think, reconnect and plan. I will be blogging sporadically and will hopefully schedule some reposts.
LJx
your awesome babe xo im going to miss you :(
ReplyDeleteHUGS, I am so sad for you and Monkey too. I had no idea when you came over before our trip away. I really thought you guys seemed strong to pull through it all - and him being so supportive of your writing. I only know you both a little - but what I've seen I've liked. Whatever the future holds I'm sure Monkey will learn he has two awesome parents - whether your lives end up being together or apart... I'm holding out hope that there may still be a chance for you two? But, if not, I know you are strong (I know that's hard to hear - people always tell me that - and at times I feel like driving the car off a cliff... BUT, deep down I know you are a mother that wants the best for your child - and because of that - you will make sure you live on, strong, and make the most of what ever life throws you xxxx Lots of love and admiration x
ReplyDeleteP.S. Sorry if I rambled too much (yes), I've had a couple of wines - that's probably a couple too much ;) xx
ReplyDeletexxxxx
ReplyDeleteIve been quietly reading your posts on google reader and wondered if this had happened
ReplyDeleteIm so sori
Im praying for you and monkey
I dont think we ever plan to have this happen to us however take it from one who knows you and Monkey will be ok
take each day as it comes
you CAN raise a well adjusted child without 2 parents in the house
onwards and upwards my friend
HUGS
Hey LJ.
ReplyDeleteFirstly Congrats on the 2 yrs here in bloggy world. Its hard work and even harder to remember why you started sometimes.
Secondly my heart goes out to you I've been there, done that, lived to fight another day and in a really weird twist two 18months after spliting my husband and I got back together. Not giving you any false hope but just say life deals things we dont EVER expect and the lessons we need. Life can be friggin tough but I respect your honesty and thats why I love your blog. I must say I had figured it out in your little codes but I love mind messing movies! I have also enjoyed some of your recent posts a lot. You have let people know when YOU could so dont be hard onyourself. stay strong and when you cant know that we will still be here to read, cry, sing, curse and smile along with you. Your amazing xxxc
so many errors - teach me for using my phone at 4am instead of sleeping...
DeleteWow. I simply have no words but plenty of thoughts and positive vibes that I'm sending your way. *hug*
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you adjust and work through this difficult and challenging time. Your bravery at being so honest is inspiring x
ReplyDelete