More from the Twilight Zone and future fears

I was thinking recently about how it used to be for me when Monkey was little. A lot of my friends are having their second baby and I am getting the peer pressure from all sides now. Even from Monkey himself. And sometimes I would like another little one but then I remind myself of the blurry first year.


It is hard to remember exactly what it was like and how it really was for me, us. It truly is all a blur to me. I can honestly say all my memories of his first year are blurred around the edges like someone used a focal tool in GIMP, it's like tunnel vision focusing on his face or Stud1's.

I remember the 10pm, 12am, 2 am , 4am, 6am feeds especially the ones when I would try to follow the advice of others and not co-sleep and feed. I remember falling asleep with him in my arms and waking up and feeling like I was a terrible mother for not knowing he'd finished feeding. It was a horrible time. I loved him but hated myself for not being able to do all the things I was supposed to be able to do and for doing those I could.

• Let him cry - he'll sort himself out in 3 days - I tried for an hour - he cried for the next 11 and I couldn't take him into his room without a panicked scream and arching back for the next two weeks.
• Don't feed him to sleep - impossible if your child won't settle any other way and the sound of him crying makes you physically ill.
• Don't co-sleep - co-sleeping was the only way I could get him to sleep for longer periods of time. To this day his nap in the day is co-sleeping
• Don't let others make you feel inadequate as a mother... Said the person who had just spent the last half an hour telling me it was all my fault that my child was not sleeping the required 18 hours a day.
• Don't let him move so much, it's not good for his joints -  he was moving all by himself, I couldn't stop him if I tried. He was happiest standing and cruising.

This self doubt and fear is what dominates when I think of what it may be like with a second child. But added to this is the fear that by managing to get through it, I will completely blur out Monkey and he will be left on the outskirts while I manage.

He doesn't deserve that and I don't know if I can find my way out of it a second time....